Not Quite

Having people guess my ethnicity is one of my favorite things, I think because it gives me a plethora of escape options should I ever need to flee the country. For what? I don't know, but I figure it's never bad to be prepared. Truthfully, I am half Indian and half Spanish. No. Not Native American and Mexican. Indian and Spanish, born and raised in the United States as a first generation American.

Many would claim this as a unique example of “America, the Melting Pot.” While I unashamedly admit to using my ethnic ambiguity to my advantage, I prefer to claim it as a unique example of not quite fitting in. I have sprinkles of each culture mixed into who I am but never enough to make me feel at home in one place.

I am not just one thing or the other - none of us are. We have at least two sets of expectations (think cultural, relational, or familial to start) pushing us to fit a specific mold. We simply cannot. Instead, we journey as nomads, staying in expectations as long as we can bear them until we find out, yet again, this is not us.

The challenge in this is not the transition in-between but being the set of expectations willing to change for someone else. If we want the freedom to be ourselves we must be willing to allow others to do the same. This means realizing to be understood takes a willingness to understand and conclude that community is worthy of compromise - maybe not so much on core values or morals, but on things that, when truly considered, might not be as big of a deal as we think.

Anyone who’s shared a room with another human being understands this challenge. A simple example might be the way we want to organize (or not organize) something is polar opposite to our fellow human. Our natural solution is separation – that’s your job, this is mine; that’s your side of the room, this is mine. Building walls by taking care of only ourselves starts on a level labeled as practical. No, we shouldn’t clean up someone else’s mess to the point of enabling. I only challenge that we first consider if it's really a mess or it's just different than the way we want it to be.

The Five Love Languages defines a few basic ways a person might give or receive love. Naturally, we're bias towards our own preference and assuming everyone wants to be loved the way we do. This is not the case. Genuine relationship requires taking the time to set aside our preferences and understand how the person we seek to love would prefer to receive it. Otherwise, we're demanding to be seen and respected for our individuality without a willingness to return the favor - this isn't love, it's just selfish.

It's our innate desire to be known. When we are wrongly judged our own walls of judgment go up in defense until both sides of this once possible relationship are isolated in pain-induced disagreement. We want someone to take the time to understand us instead of taking the time to judge us. Regardless, we are taking the time to do something. The question is - who will be the first one to let down their guard and consider their neighbor as they would want to be considered?

It’s a gutsy move - risky, time-consuming and will often leave you certain the rest of the world is composed of idiots. But as someone who is walking this out (nope, not arrived), I can tell you that thus far it's proven to be worth it.

As I’ve chosen to see and understand those who don't match my expectations, I’ve learned to accept the truth of my own lack in fitting in. Everywhere I go I'll find there are things I don’t know how to do that everyone else does and there are things everyone else knows that I do not. While this fact once terrified me for fear of exposure and rejection, I am no longer as quick to build up my walls to protect myself because my lack is not shameful, it is an invitation to learn and grow together.

None of us are the same, but we each have the responsibility to choose what we'll do when we encounter our differences. Self-protect? Or take what could divide us and turn it into an invitation to unite us.