A Distracted Existence

When the noise of life stops and I sit alone in silence, that’s when I hear it – the train of thoughts running through the back of my head, drowned out by to-do lists and other people’s problems. When I finally try to quiet down to speak with God I only hear myself. Like a wave too big to jump over and too powerful to swim under, I am taken, swept off my feet with any promise of rest exchanged for panic.

Hopelessness fills my lungs because I tried. I tried to walk on water by fixing my focus on His face but my own mind failed me. Or rather, it refused me. But why? Why was it willing to die to itself for my everyday but not to my Creator? Or, maybe, it was my Creator who built me and my mind. Maybe it was Him who took this time I set aside for Him and gave it back to me because how can I fully be with Him if I do not bring my full self? Maybe my mind is not my enemy. Maybe its thoughts need to be heard. Maybe the wave wouldn’t be so mighty if I did not keep the river of life dammed behind expectations. Maybe I need to know what’s going on inside of me to know me.

A distracted existence. Persistence. Just existence. Here, in the silence.